options.

have you ever felt like you were just an option in someone's life? it sucks to be in that position. i know. some people take you easy, perhaps because unconciously, you allow them to. you would end up thinking, why is this being done to me, when the fact of the matter is, you were the reason behind it all. you were the one who had them thinking, when it comes to you, things are going to be fine. things are always fine. no wonder you get stepped on every time.

sometimes, you wish things never happened the way it did. but as they say, there's a reason to why God allowed for those to happen to you. so you would mature. so you would learn. to appreciate what you have. to love what surrounds you. to acknowledge others. He takes things away from you for a moment to teach you a lesson, that not all things in life are easy, not everything remains pretty. there's always the ugly sight to everything and He wants us to see it, experience it, so we would come out to be a better person.

but if you were given the option, to turn back time, to go back to that particular point, when things you never wanted to happen, would you stop it? or would you just let it be, the way it was meant to be? would you avoid the chance, or would you risk changing the way your life would lead, if what should happen, didn't happen?

there's alot to weigh in there, is it not? if you were to stop what should happen, what guarantee is there that things will turn out great? what guarantee is there, that everything will be fine? what if everything takes a 180-degree turn and your life flips and goes down under? risks. everything has its risk. the utmost question remains, are you willing to take that risk?

let's get back to the present now, shall we? to the time when things have already happen. the time when you've seen the outcome. experienced the journey, took in the knowledge, opened your eyes to actually see the larger picture in life when you were dwelling on that small little piece. would you trade all that to go back to that point in life, now? go back, to hopefully banish all the nightmares, all those hurt and all the pain. would you?

or would you rather take the risk to experience new things, to discover what you never knew, take up the challenge that life has to offer you now? you're a different person now, someone new. reborn. if you go back, wouldnt you be all the same? think about it.

One emo post... coming right up!

Insecure.
A word that defines me, in some cases, some part of my life.

Why?
Why do i feel insecure? Why do i let my insecurities get to me? I dont know. Wait, i do know. So yes, previously, i've been hurt, yes i've been wounded, not physically, but both mentally and emotionally. So i presume, it's not really a mystery to why i'm feeling all that. I know it's normal to be feeling like that once in a while, but having it come to you too often is something hard to handle. I go on a war with my insecurities, trying to battle it, topple it, kill it, but they're like zombies, they never die. I hate the fact that i'm feeling all insecure, because i end up hurting, not just me, not just my feelings, but the feelings of others, who i really, truly care for. Doesn't do me any good, doesn't do them any good either.

Am i having trust-issues? What i know is that i'm trying to build a wall around me, to protect my emotions, just so i wont't fall and hit myself hard on the ground again. But is it really working? I know i've put the layers down, trying to build a strong foundation for my wall, but i havent assembled the bricks up. A portion, maybe, but not all up yet. Why? Because i'm uncertain to whether i should have it up at all. Is it okay to have this wall surrounding me? What if it's not strong enough? What if someone breaks it? Whats the use of having it, if eventually, the bricks will fall apart? (should i build a wall out of stainless steel instead? heehee!)

Should i just let my emotions roam free, in that matter? Should i let it be, the way it should just naturally be, or should i shield it? Or perhaps maybe my emotions have their own shields, a strong one to protect them, perhaps the one like Bella's? (haha who am i kidding?) I'm a fragile being, but i know i've grown strong, to be able to actually replace the fragility in me to something tough, and hard. Am i doing just that right now? I don't know, and i'm not sure.

MEND BACK WHAT'S FRACTURED BEFORE IT'S REALLY BROKEN. PLEASE.

puzzled. and down.

that's exactly how i feel.
i dont know whether its because im stressed with the assignments, projects, and exams. or perhaps maybe there's another reason behind it.
i woke up with my eyes swollen. it rained last nite. thanks tasha, for comforting me. i love you.
mood's off today. things haven't been going right. maybe im just a little too emotional these past few days. can i blame it on my menses? ok.
i wanna sleep. but im in school. i wanna go home.

i need a hug. ='(

almost...

Ain loves this song. =) this one's for you my dear.

p/s: i easily let people get in then jump right out of my life, don't i? hermph...

im uploading this here sebab i rasa kiut. =P

-picture removed-

sorry peeps!

ini blog saya so suka hati saya la okay? =) haha! ngegeh melaram depan cermin besa rah paxen. ain, now u have a hensem gang okay? =)

supposedly, now, i should be doing my Process Principles assignment, which is due tomorrow. I haven't even started, because i have no idea on how to do the 3 questions. Can i cry?

mid-term's in two weeks time. im so left behind. bodoh belum sedar diri lagi. stupid FOCUS, i need you back! can i wind back time?

staying home

since im staying home for a few days, and i'm left with nothing much to do, i decided to do this.

ini budak-budak curtin. celebrated Ellen's 21st birthday last week.

a picture of me with the birthday girl.

Group photo, pity Adrian, he got cut off from the picture. waiter sajian warisan xda skill amik gambar!

the sisterhood. essehmen.

sandwiched between nick and tuffy. tuffy wanted to take pictures with nick, but nick wouldn't let me leave his side. thus, the squishing-seetah-in-between.

with mei wen.

this is tuffy. i like making faces when i take pictures, so yeah. =P

you should probably be wondering why is it that im staying home, since everyone else is in school attending classes. let me shed some light unto you.
for the past four days, i've been feeling feverish, my body's aching, and i started getting headaches.
my asthma attack has been frequent lately. not severe ones tho, mild ones.
two days ago, i caught flu, and my eyes get all watery.
yesterday, i start coughing.

So,
1. Fever - check
2. Body aches - check
3. Headache - check
4. Difficulty breathing, Asthma - check
5. Flu - check
6. Coughing - check

With the now-ongoing pandemic of the A H1N1 flu, i have like what? 6 out of 8 common symptoms. Wtf that's like more than half already!!!

Okay, so it was like this, actually. Yesterday i went to class as usual, although i know i wasn't feeling so good. Sensed something wasn't right, but i tried shaking off that feeling. My flu was bad that morning, to add it all up, i started coughing. So my friends were concerned (of course la, with the disease going around, curtin lagi, with all the international students and what not), and they told me i should go and get myself checked-up. Texted my mom, told her that my friends are telling me i have most of the symptoms. So she told me to go to the health center on campus, and i did just that right after class.

The health officer, Sheryl Mattu was so sweet when she welcomed me in. "Hello dear, you're not feeling well today are you?". Told her what's wrong with me, how i felt and everything. She took my temperature, and told me i was at the higher end of normal. Then, with a nice and sweet and caring voice, she said "Oh dear, it seems that you're on the way to getting the flu." Oh crap! Nice way to make me feel all calm and not panicky, no? So i asked her, should i go to the clinic and see the doctor and all. She said if my temperature is still in the normal range, there's no need to. She said to come by everyday to get my temp checked.

As soon as i got out, i rang my mom. Met up with her at the cafeteria, and told her what Sheryl told me. "Mak! She told me i was on the way to getting the flu!". Mom said to go to the clinic, and so i did. But the stupid thing is i went alone. I drove all the way to and fro Dr. Arif's, alone with my stupid headache where at times i feel like my veins were about to pop! I guess luck was on my side that i didn't lose control of the car or fainted while driving because i have been passing out quite a number of times lately which i dont know why. Note to self: if u'r sick, don't drive.

Dah i check-up, Dr. Arif didn't say anything tho, i guess he didn't want to cause panic, but his looks were really concerned. He gave me sick-leave for two days. The symptoms were there. Most of it. I'm a suspected case. Bongok ada orang dah mati in miri because of this! Best la sangat. A really nice way to start the semester. Last week was already a horrible week for me, and now this! Thank you very much i dont know what to expect next.

I went home, trying not to think about it. Made fun of the sakit, made fun of myself, trying to sound all happy and told myself it was nothing, and i'll be okay in no time. I did just that for the next few hours, until... my tummy didn't feel so good and i wanted to vommit. "Vommitting? Fuck, now that's another one, no!" i restrained myself from vomitting because if i were to do another check-up, i don't want them to put a nice big TICK on the check-list for vommitting, along with all the other symptoms. Then, i freaked-out. I cried. Like seriously, bodoh, i cried because i was scared and freaked-out like if you were in my shoes you'd pee and poop in your pants like wth!

Couldn't sleep soundly last night. Mom came in to check-up on me, check on my temperature. Woke up this morning, feeling all the same. Badan panas sikit kot. I made sure i took my meds this morning. I just hope everything's gonna be fine. Gila doa banyak2 now.

I love you people. I wanna go read some lecture slides now. Eh, no... Sick-leave bah. i should rest, hoh? Heehee. Sayang you all kuat-kuat!